we're going through some things.

(pardon my thoughts if they are out of order. but they are just thoughts. and feelings that i am trying to make sense of)

i had a dream the night before last. significant in many forms. i haven't been getting the best, nor the most sleep for the past few weeks because, well, we're going through some things.

this dream involved loren. in my dream loren was getting treatment in a big house right across the street from the hospital. that way if anything happened, his parents could literally just carry him across the street. dreams are funny like that. so in this dream, i went and saw loren. and he looked just like the loren that's in all of my memories, except hooked up with tubes. i started crying. and i bent over and kissed him on the forehead and said, "i love you, loren." it was one of those dreams where the emotions ran so real, i woke up confused about my sub-conscious reality and my actual reality. the dream hurt. it hurt a whole hell of a lot. but the emotion that was strongest was that of love, peace, and an overwhelming feeling of "everything will be okay."

i moved away from boise approximately fifteen months ago. we had our ups and downs over the five years i spent there, but i left on a good, solid note. i loved all my friends, i loved the city, and i feel we had come to this mutual understanding of it was my home, but it was time to move on. i'll be the first to admit i'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, or letting them know how much they mean to me, or even just my feelings in general, but i have such fond memories of the little city with all those people with such big hearts.

i knew who loren was for a very long time before i actually knew loren. my sister had sort of a silly classroom crush on him and my friend crystal and i would always fondly refer to him as "hot loren" when we would see him lurking around dawson's. i guess we officially met when kristan asked him to come to our cowboy dance party, which i was pretty stoked on. hot loren. our party. YES. my sister was going to be so jealous. loren was sitting at a table at dawson's as i was going into work the night of said cowboy party and asked me, "hey, aren't you becky? and isn't there a party at your house tonight?" yes. yes i was. and yes there is. loren was the ONLY boy to go along with us party planners and dress in cowboy attire. many points were scored for him that evening based on that. these were also the days of the giant van. that van. wow.

from there i learned about loren's talents of drawing fun drawings on mini yellow post-it notes with what i thought to be the DUMBEST pen for drawing. shouldn't it have been fancier? nope. loren didn't need no fancy pens for his mini arts in which he later blew up to be really awesome prints, actually. goes to show me what you do and don't need to make art. we'd hang out from time to time, he'd pet my head like a kitteh, we'd watch movies....mostly, and i always liked the fact that i could never quite figure him out. i've always appreciated the way his brain works.

i remember when loren started to creep out of the musical closet with his guitar abilities and his really great singing voice and blew us all right out of the water with another hidden talent. i remember sitting in the newly established art gallery in the basement of the idaho building with a few other friends getting a sweet solo show. i felt so special. i don't even remember who else was with us, but it was still just so cool. and special.

and now. here i am. years later with some of the most heartbreaking news i've probably ever heard. loren has just started a painful battle with a really unfair disease. i am crushed. but am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. that's the funny thing about grief. so many weird thoughts run through your head like, "i want to call him, but does he even want to talk to me? and what would i say?" or "am i close enough to him to even call him when he has all of his best friends there?" "do i let him deal with his grief first before i unleash my own upon him?"

and while i'm sure all of these questions run through anyone's head who has just heard terrible news, they're simply ridiculous. i had a coworker talk sense into me as i was melting down into a streaming tear mess the day after i heard. "becky, it doesn't matter. he's your friend. he would appreciate anything. if he's getting emails, email him. just let him know you're there." and he was right. while i still find it difficult to muster words and figure out what to say, i'm letting my insecurities go and figuring out how to handle this burden of sadness. loren has touched a lot of people's lives. he has brought a lot of people happiness. and right now, i'm going to be really sad. and it's going to come out in really fucked up ways. that's all there is to it.

i will be in boise in a few weeks and hopefully i will get a chance to see everyone i need to see. i want to hug chris hunt. and i want to hug heather plummer. i don't think loren could have better friends than those two really awesome people. and i can't even begin to comprehend what they've been going through either. my heart aches for them and i wish there was something i could do, for everyone, really. they've been doing a really good job of keeping catie and i posted when i'm sure they're just spent and exhausted. but thanks you guys. i really appreciate it.

most importantly though, i need to see loren. hopefully he is well enough to let me come and kiss his forehead. and hopefully he'll be able to pet my head like a kitteh.

love you, loren.