so like you. whiskey in the freezer and ice cream melting on the counter into a summer puddle. this is something i never thought i would be scrambling to dissect.
ariel pink. animal collective. who was it?
i don't really like black and white movies and i'll probably fall asleep.
and i did. with you stroking your fingers through my confused mop of hair.
i don't know what the movie was. and now i'm mostly glad i don't. i would likely find myself torturing myself late at night with its flickers.
none of it even mattered. i was there for the comfortableness and the human connection.
simple touches. complicated matters of heart. and millions of questions.
i never thought i would make any difference.
i see you everywhere. riding your bike. walking down the sidewalk with a buzzed head or floppy mo-hawk.
i never thought it would be like this.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
we're going through some things.
(pardon my thoughts if they are out of order. but they are just thoughts. and feelings that i am trying to make sense of)
i had a dream the night before last. significant in many forms. i haven't been getting the best, nor the most sleep for the past few weeks because, well, we're going through some things.
this dream involved loren. in my dream loren was getting treatment in a big house right across the street from the hospital. that way if anything happened, his parents could literally just carry him across the street. dreams are funny like that. so in this dream, i went and saw loren. and he looked just like the loren that's in all of my memories, except hooked up with tubes. i started crying. and i bent over and kissed him on the forehead and said, "i love you, loren." it was one of those dreams where the emotions ran so real, i woke up confused about my sub-conscious reality and my actual reality. the dream hurt. it hurt a whole hell of a lot. but the emotion that was strongest was that of love, peace, and an overwhelming feeling of "everything will be okay."
i moved away from boise approximately fifteen months ago. we had our ups and downs over the five years i spent there, but i left on a good, solid note. i loved all my friends, i loved the city, and i feel we had come to this mutual understanding of it was my home, but it was time to move on. i'll be the first to admit i'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, or letting them know how much they mean to me, or even just my feelings in general, but i have such fond memories of the little city with all those people with such big hearts.
i knew who loren was for a very long time before i actually knew loren. my sister had sort of a silly classroom crush on him and my friend crystal and i would always fondly refer to him as "hot loren" when we would see him lurking around dawson's. i guess we officially met when kristan asked him to come to our cowboy dance party, which i was pretty stoked on. hot loren. our party. YES. my sister was going to be so jealous. loren was sitting at a table at dawson's as i was going into work the night of said cowboy party and asked me, "hey, aren't you becky? and isn't there a party at your house tonight?" yes. yes i was. and yes there is. loren was the ONLY boy to go along with us party planners and dress in cowboy attire. many points were scored for him that evening based on that. these were also the days of the giant van. that van. wow.
from there i learned about loren's talents of drawing fun drawings on mini yellow post-it notes with what i thought to be the DUMBEST pen for drawing. shouldn't it have been fancier? nope. loren didn't need no fancy pens for his mini arts in which he later blew up to be really awesome prints, actually. goes to show me what you do and don't need to make art. we'd hang out from time to time, he'd pet my head like a kitteh, we'd watch movies....mostly, and i always liked the fact that i could never quite figure him out. i've always appreciated the way his brain works.
i remember when loren started to creep out of the musical closet with his guitar abilities and his really great singing voice and blew us all right out of the water with another hidden talent. i remember sitting in the newly established art gallery in the basement of the idaho building with a few other friends getting a sweet solo show. i felt so special. i don't even remember who else was with us, but it was still just so cool. and special.
and now. here i am. years later with some of the most heartbreaking news i've probably ever heard. loren has just started a painful battle with a really unfair disease. i am crushed. but am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. that's the funny thing about grief. so many weird thoughts run through your head like, "i want to call him, but does he even want to talk to me? and what would i say?" or "am i close enough to him to even call him when he has all of his best friends there?" "do i let him deal with his grief first before i unleash my own upon him?"
and while i'm sure all of these questions run through anyone's head who has just heard terrible news, they're simply ridiculous. i had a coworker talk sense into me as i was melting down into a streaming tear mess the day after i heard. "becky, it doesn't matter. he's your friend. he would appreciate anything. if he's getting emails, email him. just let him know you're there." and he was right. while i still find it difficult to muster words and figure out what to say, i'm letting my insecurities go and figuring out how to handle this burden of sadness. loren has touched a lot of people's lives. he has brought a lot of people happiness. and right now, i'm going to be really sad. and it's going to come out in really fucked up ways. that's all there is to it.
i will be in boise in a few weeks and hopefully i will get a chance to see everyone i need to see. i want to hug chris hunt. and i want to hug heather plummer. i don't think loren could have better friends than those two really awesome people. and i can't even begin to comprehend what they've been going through either. my heart aches for them and i wish there was something i could do, for everyone, really. they've been doing a really good job of keeping catie and i posted when i'm sure they're just spent and exhausted. but thanks you guys. i really appreciate it.
most importantly though, i need to see loren. hopefully he is well enough to let me come and kiss his forehead. and hopefully he'll be able to pet my head like a kitteh.
love you, loren.
i had a dream the night before last. significant in many forms. i haven't been getting the best, nor the most sleep for the past few weeks because, well, we're going through some things.
this dream involved loren. in my dream loren was getting treatment in a big house right across the street from the hospital. that way if anything happened, his parents could literally just carry him across the street. dreams are funny like that. so in this dream, i went and saw loren. and he looked just like the loren that's in all of my memories, except hooked up with tubes. i started crying. and i bent over and kissed him on the forehead and said, "i love you, loren." it was one of those dreams where the emotions ran so real, i woke up confused about my sub-conscious reality and my actual reality. the dream hurt. it hurt a whole hell of a lot. but the emotion that was strongest was that of love, peace, and an overwhelming feeling of "everything will be okay."
i moved away from boise approximately fifteen months ago. we had our ups and downs over the five years i spent there, but i left on a good, solid note. i loved all my friends, i loved the city, and i feel we had come to this mutual understanding of it was my home, but it was time to move on. i'll be the first to admit i'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, or letting them know how much they mean to me, or even just my feelings in general, but i have such fond memories of the little city with all those people with such big hearts.
i knew who loren was for a very long time before i actually knew loren. my sister had sort of a silly classroom crush on him and my friend crystal and i would always fondly refer to him as "hot loren" when we would see him lurking around dawson's. i guess we officially met when kristan asked him to come to our cowboy dance party, which i was pretty stoked on. hot loren. our party. YES. my sister was going to be so jealous. loren was sitting at a table at dawson's as i was going into work the night of said cowboy party and asked me, "hey, aren't you becky? and isn't there a party at your house tonight?" yes. yes i was. and yes there is. loren was the ONLY boy to go along with us party planners and dress in cowboy attire. many points were scored for him that evening based on that. these were also the days of the giant van. that van. wow.
from there i learned about loren's talents of drawing fun drawings on mini yellow post-it notes with what i thought to be the DUMBEST pen for drawing. shouldn't it have been fancier? nope. loren didn't need no fancy pens for his mini arts in which he later blew up to be really awesome prints, actually. goes to show me what you do and don't need to make art. we'd hang out from time to time, he'd pet my head like a kitteh, we'd watch movies....mostly, and i always liked the fact that i could never quite figure him out. i've always appreciated the way his brain works.
i remember when loren started to creep out of the musical closet with his guitar abilities and his really great singing voice and blew us all right out of the water with another hidden talent. i remember sitting in the newly established art gallery in the basement of the idaho building with a few other friends getting a sweet solo show. i felt so special. i don't even remember who else was with us, but it was still just so cool. and special.
and now. here i am. years later with some of the most heartbreaking news i've probably ever heard. loren has just started a painful battle with a really unfair disease. i am crushed. but am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. that's the funny thing about grief. so many weird thoughts run through your head like, "i want to call him, but does he even want to talk to me? and what would i say?" or "am i close enough to him to even call him when he has all of his best friends there?" "do i let him deal with his grief first before i unleash my own upon him?"
and while i'm sure all of these questions run through anyone's head who has just heard terrible news, they're simply ridiculous. i had a coworker talk sense into me as i was melting down into a streaming tear mess the day after i heard. "becky, it doesn't matter. he's your friend. he would appreciate anything. if he's getting emails, email him. just let him know you're there." and he was right. while i still find it difficult to muster words and figure out what to say, i'm letting my insecurities go and figuring out how to handle this burden of sadness. loren has touched a lot of people's lives. he has brought a lot of people happiness. and right now, i'm going to be really sad. and it's going to come out in really fucked up ways. that's all there is to it.
i will be in boise in a few weeks and hopefully i will get a chance to see everyone i need to see. i want to hug chris hunt. and i want to hug heather plummer. i don't think loren could have better friends than those two really awesome people. and i can't even begin to comprehend what they've been going through either. my heart aches for them and i wish there was something i could do, for everyone, really. they've been doing a really good job of keeping catie and i posted when i'm sure they're just spent and exhausted. but thanks you guys. i really appreciate it.
most importantly though, i need to see loren. hopefully he is well enough to let me come and kiss his forehead. and hopefully he'll be able to pet my head like a kitteh.
love you, loren.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
and here i am.
let's face it. i am no writer. i lack substance and i REALLY lack material. i'm not creative, witty, or even that humorous. but sometimes, i just need to get stuff down. today is one of those day. it was a cloudless, beautiful, and warm february day today in seattle. and it wasn't the first time i've experienced a day like today here. we've apparently been having the warmest winter on the history books, which only makes me more happy that i decided to move here. i don't know if the locals quite know what they have going for them. all i know is that the studs on my snow tires are wearing low, and i don't even care.
since december 27th, 2009, my life has been one big blur. i feel like i left boise months and months ago but somehow managed to retain the spark and excitement i feel for the new city. when in reality, i only left six weeks ago. this becomes painfully obvious every time i go into a coffee shop and don't recognize a single soul, when i get lost thinking i'm going south when i'm really going north, and when i sit for more than ten minutes and realize just how alone i made myself and how much i deeply miss certain individuals i spent a significant amount of time with in boise. even with it all lingering in the back of my head, i try to push it down and focus on the now, which is usually pretty easy for me. it's something i perfected when i was about 19. "out of sight out of mind" they say. but they forgot about the part when you have downtime and your brain starts to churn the memories.
but seriously, the time warp is almost unexplainable. i've done more in the past six weeks than i did the past six months when i was in boise. i got into a car wreck, i met dozens of people, i got rip-roaring drunk, i went underground, i got not one, but TWO new jobs, i found a secret room in a bar, i spent time quality time with an old friend, i've eaten a bajillion cupcakes, i made a really awkward situation for myself when my gaydar went faulty, i shvitzed (multiple times), i went to an art museum and saw michelangelo's drawings, i almost saw someone get stabbed with a fork, i saw salt water, i saw mountains, i DON'T see snow, i've worn rainboots, i've cried (a lot), i've made mistakes, i've made good decisions, i've enjoyed waking up before ten, i've chatted with people without worrying about running into them later, i danced CRAZILY (and was completely sober), seen a bunch of movies, i've eaten turkish food, i've changed who i was, decided i didn't like it, and changed again all within a weeks span of time. i'm not sure if this is how it always works in a bigger city, and i'm going through the motions like everyone else, or if i'm making up for lost time and changing crazy fast because i've never had the opportunities like i have now ever before.
years ago when i thought i wanted to move to seattle, i wanted to move here for the energy it gave me. there was something about the greenness, the progressiveness, and the fact that even though it rains, i rarely saw anyone frowning. even though sometimes i have really rough patches in my day, reminiscing about who i left and feeling the very real pain of missing someone, the magic of this city has yet to die. i have been so lucky in finding what i have found so far, and i'll be forever grateful for that. and even though my mind is in a constant state of scatter and always searching for the right footing, i do think i've made the right decision. for better or worse.
since december 27th, 2009, my life has been one big blur. i feel like i left boise months and months ago but somehow managed to retain the spark and excitement i feel for the new city. when in reality, i only left six weeks ago. this becomes painfully obvious every time i go into a coffee shop and don't recognize a single soul, when i get lost thinking i'm going south when i'm really going north, and when i sit for more than ten minutes and realize just how alone i made myself and how much i deeply miss certain individuals i spent a significant amount of time with in boise. even with it all lingering in the back of my head, i try to push it down and focus on the now, which is usually pretty easy for me. it's something i perfected when i was about 19. "out of sight out of mind" they say. but they forgot about the part when you have downtime and your brain starts to churn the memories.
but seriously, the time warp is almost unexplainable. i've done more in the past six weeks than i did the past six months when i was in boise. i got into a car wreck, i met dozens of people, i got rip-roaring drunk, i went underground, i got not one, but TWO new jobs, i found a secret room in a bar, i spent time quality time with an old friend, i've eaten a bajillion cupcakes, i made a really awkward situation for myself when my gaydar went faulty, i shvitzed (multiple times), i went to an art museum and saw michelangelo's drawings, i almost saw someone get stabbed with a fork, i saw salt water, i saw mountains, i DON'T see snow, i've worn rainboots, i've cried (a lot), i've made mistakes, i've made good decisions, i've enjoyed waking up before ten, i've chatted with people without worrying about running into them later, i danced CRAZILY (and was completely sober), seen a bunch of movies, i've eaten turkish food, i've changed who i was, decided i didn't like it, and changed again all within a weeks span of time. i'm not sure if this is how it always works in a bigger city, and i'm going through the motions like everyone else, or if i'm making up for lost time and changing crazy fast because i've never had the opportunities like i have now ever before.
years ago when i thought i wanted to move to seattle, i wanted to move here for the energy it gave me. there was something about the greenness, the progressiveness, and the fact that even though it rains, i rarely saw anyone frowning. even though sometimes i have really rough patches in my day, reminiscing about who i left and feeling the very real pain of missing someone, the magic of this city has yet to die. i have been so lucky in finding what i have found so far, and i'll be forever grateful for that. and even though my mind is in a constant state of scatter and always searching for the right footing, i do think i've made the right decision. for better or worse.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Friday, October 9, 2009
sigh
there comes a point in life when you realize everything is getting old: your car, your surrounding, your parents, yourself. with this realization comes certain responsibilities of "dealing with it."
i'm having a really difficult time with the last part.
i'm having a really difficult time with the last part.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
it's amazing how a few brief moments can fuck one's whole attitude.
or how it takes five seconds to make a mess and an hour to clean it up.
or one wrong move to change your life.
or one resume, one interview, and you are granted a whole new beginning.
or one bad emotional breakdown could probably ruin your keyboard (i'm NOT crying by the way. it's more destructive than helpful to write when i cry).
it is only tuesday and i have had more stress in these past two days than i have had within the past two-five months. i am sick of letting other people get to me. all i have is myself and i do not have the power to dictate others' reactions to what i say or do. i am ok with that.
i have a ridiculous amount of insecurities and flaws that i have been fortunate enough to have realized or have been called out on. i am not perfect. i am so far from it, it's almost ridiculous. but i have learned a lot about myself within the past 48 hours.
i am weak, weak sauce.
or how it takes five seconds to make a mess and an hour to clean it up.
or one wrong move to change your life.
or one resume, one interview, and you are granted a whole new beginning.
or one bad emotional breakdown could probably ruin your keyboard (i'm NOT crying by the way. it's more destructive than helpful to write when i cry).
it is only tuesday and i have had more stress in these past two days than i have had within the past two-five months. i am sick of letting other people get to me. all i have is myself and i do not have the power to dictate others' reactions to what i say or do. i am ok with that.
i have a ridiculous amount of insecurities and flaws that i have been fortunate enough to have realized or have been called out on. i am not perfect. i am so far from it, it's almost ridiculous. but i have learned a lot about myself within the past 48 hours.
i am weak, weak sauce.
Monday, August 3, 2009
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