what have i done to myself

if my emotions took the form of a human, this is what would happen:

emotion-man would go to the doctor for a routine check-up. during this check-up, something very interesting would happen.
while my emotion-man looked like a fine individual on the outside, x-rays would reveal someone that looked like they were in a head-on collision.

lacerated sadness of the liver
punctured lung of happiness
ruptured kidney of confusion on one side
other ruptured kidney of jealousy
the ulcer of love slowly oozed into the stomach of despair
while the heart of ambition and adventure steadily thumped away, but with very clogged arteries. it won't be long now.
while all of these organs were leaking toxic chemicals into emotion-man's main core, he seemed to be progressing fine through his everyday life. it's amazing what you'll find inside people.

it's funny that we lie to each other, not ever to make anyone else feel better, but only ourselves. no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves of the former. it's even better when we lie to ourselves.

i'm stuck in purgatory in all forms. boise is ok, but it isn't great. and it certainly isn't super crappy. my well-being is ok, but why do i keep robbing myself of any and all opportunities?
where have my true friends gone? when will the sunshine stay? when will i finally want to drag myself out of my apartment and be ok with everything?
someone find me a new home.
someone find me inspiration of any sort.
someone find me a creative outlet.
if you need me, i'll be sleeping.

i hope no one ever takes me seriously again.