it's amazing how a few brief moments can fuck one's whole attitude.
or how it takes five seconds to make a mess and an hour to clean it up.
or one wrong move to change your life.
or one resume, one interview, and you are granted a whole new beginning.
or one bad emotional breakdown could probably ruin your keyboard (i'm NOT crying by the way. it's more destructive than helpful to write when i cry).
it is only tuesday and i have had more stress in these past two days than i have had within the past two-five months. i am sick of letting other people get to me. all i have is myself and i do not have the power to dictate others' reactions to what i say or do. i am ok with that.
i have a ridiculous amount of insecurities and flaws that i have been fortunate enough to have realized or have been called out on. i am not perfect. i am so far from it, it's almost ridiculous. but i have learned a lot about myself within the past 48 hours.
i am weak, weak sauce.

numb

it's days like today that make me positive that i will never believe in god.
i love you elijah.

if i come home and find my full length mirror shattered on the floor into a million pieces, do i still get seven years bad luck?
(it was propped on the windowsill of an open window, so OBVIOUSLY it was an accident waiting to happen)
but still...is it?

i officially locked out the world today.

oh dearest, dear

today, as animals tend to do, one of our dogs died today. she was 14. she was old, yes. and my dad was scared he would have to put her to sleep, which i know would have killed him. when my mom called today to see if i had received an email from my dad, i told her no, which is when she told me poacher died. of course, i started crying. but just a few glistening tears. and mostly because when she talked to my dad, he was crying (the only time i've ever seen my dad cry is when his favorite dog has died). she did everything with him. she went to the middle fork, on float trips, camping trips, all trotting alongside of whatever mule my dad was riding. so, i came home to check to see if he had sent me an email. he had. and i kind of lost it because this is what he wrote:

"To all,

We lost Poacher today just before noon. I came home from the shop and let the dogs out. Poacher went as far as the patio and was panting heavily. She laid down and about 10 minutes later, she was going. At least she didn't give me the pain of having to put her down. Fortunately, I was there to say good-bye. She's resting in the edge of the yard now.

Good bye to a wonderful friend.

Buster"

then he posted these pictures...







i think it's so interesting how people become so attached to animals. but i guess they typically treat you better than other people. i want to call my dad, but i can't hear him cry.

ding!

kristan = home soon = my life getting back on track.

and learning what the equilibrium in my ears is capable of.

and seeing the world.

i miss...

nothing was ever simple, but looking back, it sure feels like it now. i miss meeting new people and the mystery of a city not yet explored.
i miss not being jaded.
i miss the part where life lessons were coming at a rapid, daily pace.
i miss having a friend that i could fully rely on.
i have learned astronomical amounts from a few people over the past few years. and i suppose it's time to move on.



and i want to go to dan's ferry really bad, but there is no one to go with me.