and here i am.

let's face it. i am no writer. i lack substance and i REALLY lack material. i'm not creative, witty, or even that humorous. but sometimes, i just need to get stuff down. today is one of those day. it was a cloudless, beautiful, and warm february day today in seattle. and it wasn't the first time i've experienced a day like today here. we've apparently been having the warmest winter on the history books, which only makes me more happy that i decided to move here. i don't know if the locals quite know what they have going for them. all i know is that the studs on my snow tires are wearing low, and i don't even care.

since december 27th, 2009, my life has been one big blur. i feel like i left boise months and months ago but somehow managed to retain the spark and excitement i feel for the new city. when in reality, i only left six weeks ago. this becomes painfully obvious every time i go into a coffee shop and don't recognize a single soul, when i get lost thinking i'm going south when i'm really going north, and when i sit for more than ten minutes and realize just how alone i made myself and how much i deeply miss certain individuals i spent a significant amount of time with in boise. even with it all lingering in the back of my head, i try to push it down and focus on the now, which is usually pretty easy for me. it's something i perfected when i was about 19. "out of sight out of mind" they say. but they forgot about the part when you have downtime and your brain starts to churn the memories.

but seriously, the time warp is almost unexplainable. i've done more in the past six weeks than i did the past six months when i was in boise. i got into a car wreck, i met dozens of people, i got rip-roaring drunk, i went underground, i got not one, but TWO new jobs, i found a secret room in a bar, i spent time quality time with an old friend, i've eaten a bajillion cupcakes, i made a really awkward situation for myself when my gaydar went faulty, i shvitzed (multiple times), i went to an art museum and saw michelangelo's drawings, i almost saw someone get stabbed with a fork, i saw salt water, i saw mountains, i DON'T see snow, i've worn rainboots, i've cried (a lot), i've made mistakes, i've made good decisions, i've enjoyed waking up before ten, i've chatted with people without worrying about running into them later, i danced CRAZILY (and was completely sober), seen a bunch of movies, i've eaten turkish food, i've changed who i was, decided i didn't like it, and changed again all within a weeks span of time. i'm not sure if this is how it always works in a bigger city, and i'm going through the motions like everyone else, or if i'm making up for lost time and changing crazy fast because i've never had the opportunities like i have now ever before.

years ago when i thought i wanted to move to seattle, i wanted to move here for the energy it gave me. there was something about the greenness, the progressiveness, and the fact that even though it rains, i rarely saw anyone frowning. even though sometimes i have really rough patches in my day, reminiscing about who i left and feeling the very real pain of missing someone, the magic of this city has yet to die. i have been so lucky in finding what i have found so far, and i'll be forever grateful for that. and even though my mind is in a constant state of scatter and always searching for the right footing, i do think i've made the right decision. for better or worse.

current mood:

ouch. way ouch.

sigh

there comes a point in life when you realize everything is getting old: your car, your surrounding, your parents, yourself. with this realization comes certain responsibilities of "dealing with it."
i'm having a really difficult time with the last part.

it's amazing how a few brief moments can fuck one's whole attitude.
or how it takes five seconds to make a mess and an hour to clean it up.
or one wrong move to change your life.
or one resume, one interview, and you are granted a whole new beginning.
or one bad emotional breakdown could probably ruin your keyboard (i'm NOT crying by the way. it's more destructive than helpful to write when i cry).
it is only tuesday and i have had more stress in these past two days than i have had within the past two-five months. i am sick of letting other people get to me. all i have is myself and i do not have the power to dictate others' reactions to what i say or do. i am ok with that.
i have a ridiculous amount of insecurities and flaws that i have been fortunate enough to have realized or have been called out on. i am not perfect. i am so far from it, it's almost ridiculous. but i have learned a lot about myself within the past 48 hours.
i am weak, weak sauce.

numb

it's days like today that make me positive that i will never believe in god.
i love you elijah.

if i come home and find my full length mirror shattered on the floor into a million pieces, do i still get seven years bad luck?
(it was propped on the windowsill of an open window, so OBVIOUSLY it was an accident waiting to happen)
but still...is it?

i officially locked out the world today.